Where The Heart Begins
by Jessi Noan
Summary: Scotty/Lilly. Because Lilly can't cry alone. Not this time. Spoilers through season four.


**Title**: Where The Heart Begins

**Fandom**: Cold Case

**Pairings**: Lilly/Scotty, friendship

**Warnings**: Minor canon character death; adult language; adult situations; spoilers through season four, just to be safe; probable AU – I stopped the episode half-way to write this.

**Genre**: Angst; Friendship

**Rating**: PG-13

**Feedback**: Appreciated.

**Summary**: Because Lilly can't cry alone. Not this time.

**Notes**: Another season four story; this one takes place around the end of the season, specifically _The Good Death_ and _Stalker_ – or rather, smack dab in the middle of _Stalker_.

* * *

Because bad things happen to all people, good and bad, over and over again. Because sometimes you can't cry alone anymore and the only person you can cry to is the one you least want to see you like that. Because sometimes, you realize, you don't have anyone else.

(There's a message on Scotty's phone, after he gets out of the box. It's passed quitting time, if there is a quitting time for homicide, but everyone is still in the office, working double-time chasing down leads, hoping to cut Romeo off at the pass, before he gets to Kim.

"One missed call. New voicemail," scrolls across the window and Scotty flips it open to listen, even though he knows what he'll hear. It's unmistakable, if strained from unshed tears.

"Hey."

Scotty knocks on the captain's door. "Lil needs me." He nods and Scotty leaves.)

Because he's felt this way before. Because he's damaged too and he'll just let you cry. Because he knows, there's no answer for grief and all he can offer is companionship for the times you can't be alone.

(The door is unlocked, like earlier when he came to check on her, and he hopes it's because she's expecting him. It's gotten too late to leave doors unlocked, especially with how close to the street Lilly's apartment is.

He doesn't bother to say the door was open or utter a greeting to disturb the silence of her living room. He shuts the door softly behind him, takes off his coat, hangs it on the stand near the entrance and sits on the coffee table across from Lilly. Just like earlier, she's still on the couch, holding her knees and staring through the cushions.

He waits and when she looks at him, more of a glance in his direction than an actual acknowledgement, her whole body shudders, ready for the upheaval. The tears she choked back, without knowing why, when sitting alone with her mother's body the previous night, holding her hand, and the ones she's felt at the back of her eyes since she decided it was better to be with her mother while she was killing herself than away and constantly worrying, spasm through her abdomen and Lilly briefly looks like she might be sick.

Then her hand flutters up to shield her eyes from Scotty's patient gaze and Lilly cries. Cries until she collapses in on herself, until she can believe she doesn't know why she's crying.

When Scotty puts his hand on her back, between her shoulder blades and rubs in gentle, firm strokes, Lilly knows it isn't her mother, but can't help thinking, "she did that when I woke up from those nightmares," and feels like she'll never be able to breath again.)

Because you failed and you hurt and your childhood, however bad, was two people and they're both gone and that doesn't make you feel better, doesn't release you, like you thought it would. Two people who let you down and hurt you, but who read _The Velveteen Rabbit_ out loud when you woke up scared and curled next to you when the heat was shut off.

(The tears haven't slowed, but Lilly's palming, rubbing, wiping them off her face, not seeming to notice that her cheeks refuse to become drier nor her eyes clearer. "Why was I not enough for her? Why couldn't I do anything to help her?" The immense sadness Lilly tries to keep locked behind stony looks and hard-edged words nearly breaks Scotty's heart when he sees it unbound. "I fixed her messes, I cleaned up after her, looked out for her, but it wasn't enough. Picking up the pieces - all I did was make it alright for her to keep killing herself. This last time – she didn't even try to stop." Her face crumbles and this time, Lilly doesn't think to conceal it. "But I didn't know what else to do. What else could I do?"

"Nothing, Lil. There was nothing you could do. You can't save people who don't want to be."

"Maybe she wanted to be. If I hadn't given up..." Breaching a boundary Scotty told himself he never would, he moves across the small separation and touches her, holds her, lets her press her bloodshot eyes and puffy cheeks against his neck and ignores the minor discomfort he feels at this not being awkward, like he secretly hoped.

"You can't blame yourself. You know that. This isn't your fault."

Lilly gives a shaky sigh, feeling drained and tired. "I just…")

Because you miss them and want them back, no matter how much you can't forgive them and can't let go of all the wrongs they've done to you, you just want them in your living room, so you can be angry and feel a hurt that you can walk away from.

(Her expression is dead, from grief and exhaustion, and Lilly just stares, curled up against him like an abandoned child, and talks quietly in a monotone. Scotty listens. He always listens, even when he's not aware of it, whenever Lilly speaks. And it's okay that he's holding her now, because this is the only time, it won't happen again and since it's this one time, it won't change anything. And Lilly needs him to, which, he finds, is the only justification he needs.

"She didn't even try." Lilly comes back to that again and again, picking at the fresh wound that she wants to leave a scar.

"When I was attacked, she didn't know what to do. She was three-sheets to the wind and poor and there was her daughter, broken jaw, missing teeth, blood all over her face and cloths, could have died, no money to pay the ER bill with. She always tried to make it sound better than it was – that I had an accident, that I had a run in with some kids, just something to make her feel less responsible.

"I ran track in high school. She came to one of my track meets, though I ran sophomore and junior year. I remember, she was sober and she yelled so loud, I could hear her from the other side of the track. I came in second in my main event – the 400 meter – and she had tears in her eyes when she hugged me.

"Chris and I fought over this stuffed bear for as long as we lived together. Mom got it for me, for my sixth birthday and I slept with it every night. During the winter, Chris and I would sleep in the same bed and by the time April came around, she'd think the bear was hers."

"What was the bear's name?"

Lilly almost smiled. "Bear."

"Good name. To the point." The body next to his shuddered again and a few stray tears leaked from Lilly's eyes.

"She didn't even try, Scotty. She promised me she'd get clean and didn't even try.")

Because your hope is old and fractured, but each disappointment is fresh and painful and how it withstands, you don't know. You almost wish it wouldn't, just because you think it wouldn't be so painful if you had no hope to hold on to. And then you realize, you don't really need to, not anymore, since there's nothing left to hope for and the death of your mother is quickly pulling pieces of yourself away.

(After Lilly has gone limp against him and she's not been crying for awhile, Scotty rubs her arm and says, "how ya feeling?" He feels her tense against his side and the calmer expression of deep sadness on her face mutates into anxiety, showing clearly her fear of being alone with her thoughts, of being without an anchor.

"Stay. Just a little longer, Scotty. Please."

"Okay, Lil." Scotty settles back against the couch cushion and sits with Lilly. Time passes, her breathing slows, her eyes drift closed and Lilly falls asleep against her partner's shoulder, held secure for the first time since Joseph walked away from her.

The sun rises.

And Scotty stays just a little longer.)

Because it breaks her heart. Every time. It breaks her heart like new.

**- End -**


End file.
